Can I go back?

I know this post is way after my month away in St. Augustine, but I just thought I'd update you on how things are post vacation.

I have never called my month in St. Augustine a vacation before. To me, at the time, it did not feel like a vacation. It felt like I lived there. I felt like I belonged there.

I miss the city so much I am considering going to Flagler College. When my family/friends/strangers ask why, I don't have a good/real answer besides "I love that place". It's hard because in my mind that does not sound like a justifiable answer. My parents don't want me to go, but said they would support whatever I choose. I know that when I was there I felt like I belonged. I now call this month a vacation because I know that if I move there, it won't be like the days of that month over again. It will be different and I will get homesick. What I had was a carefree vacation. One that maybe was too long?

When I first arrived in St. Augustine I felt really bored (this was before I had really started exploring). I even considered for a half of a second going home early. I cannot even imagine if I would have left there  and then, and never discovered this love I have for exploring.

Going to St. Augustine has shown me how much I love to travel and that I need to see the world in my lifetime. This feels impossible to me. The needs I have for electricity and the correct outlets for my medical equipment and my medicines makes traveling for long periods of time quite hard. However, I feel a little less tied down now that I've spent a month with "altered" respiratory therapies. The thought of leaving my family for a month felt impossible too in the car ride to the airport.

I've started to learn something I don't quite want to. That humans can adapt to just about anything. Any treatment (with Jaycee Dugard), any absence (moving away), and any feeling and condition. We adapt. Eventually we do not miss a friend or family member anymore. Eventually we learn to go without a popsicle. Eventually we learn to stop thinking about something we thought we wanted. Our relationships can fade into nothing. That scares me. That everything can eventually mean nothing.

I want to go back, that is for sure. I think about St. Augustine every day, but I know if I just let it go, eventually it'll fade into a long term memory, and I won't want it anymore.

Just my thoughts since I've been back.

Sarah

Cannot Say Goodbye

In the first month of a infant's life that small human, just the same as you and me, is learning to interpret the world around them.  The first week they concentrate on relaxing in what they've been shoved into. Their curled arms and legs struggle to stay close and warm, tight and crammed just as they were in the womb, in their home. This baby is only reacting upon instincts and familiarities. Knowing only their mother's voice, they sometimes turn to the soothing sound they know. The baby is also building a stronger relationship with their mother, learning what contact and need is as they breast feed. In the third week of life, we are able to distinguish who is a stranger and who is not, based on sound, touch and some scent. We find who we know, who we don't. Who is a need and who is a want. Building trust. A baby, brand new and in the first month, can see physically, but the brain is not able to interpret what it is seeing. Vision is fuzzy until it is able to build connections to what it is seeing, and nerves are reinforced and strengthened through repetition and then, through exploration cooing and gurgling throaty communication is established.

My first month in St. Augustine was a complete journey. I started out my first few days, shaky and unable to see any familiarity to my old life. I wondered what I was going to do, and contracted my muscles to stay just how I was at home. I spent nights in front of the tv sleeping because I was used to it. I made Mary buy me hand soap instead of a bar to use. I was curled into my old ways, just as an infant in  it's first few days.

After I was able to relax and open my eyes to what was in front of me, I became completely fearless in who I was going to talk to, eat, or even do. I hadn't a clue who I was completely by myself but I was going to find out. I followed what I thought I knew, ate where I thought I'd like and just tried things.

I then found The Hyppo. The Hyppo, while just a four-walled store with many nice people became a relationship I built, through nursing my need for further communication with Thomas, Kim, Molly, Mariah, and especially Sina. These people, just serving up ice pops seemed like the coolest people in the world, and the store began to look a lot like Poppy's Ice Cream store in Lee's Summit, Missouri. I had built a connection, without knowing.

Mary and Pete became what I knew as my comfort and need. While Mary and Pete made it clear I wasn't tied down, they wanted me to keep them informed as to what I was doing, and I loved telling them. I was excited everyday to tell them what I had did and I was up to next. Who I had spoken to as well.  I talked to everyone and anyone, just desperate for their conversation. I think they were guiding me to find who I am. Mary and Pete mean a lot to me, I am so glad I had the chance to get to know them, and bond with them!

I do not think I've changed profoundly or "discovered" anything significant inside myself, but what I have learned is who I want to be.

I woke up early my last day and went to breakfast at the Casa Maya. They had great coffee (nice and strong) and a refreshing little sandwich (yes, Sina, with onions on it!).

Sina must have seen me sitting inside, because he walked over, apron and all, to knock on the window and wave to me. These little things are what make St. Auggy cute and quaint. 

I then walked down Aviles Street and around town.

And then I said goodbye to the Hyppo. Nothing profound was said, nothing dramatic happened. I hugged Thomas and Kim and was out the door after eating my last flavor. Pineapple Cilantro.

Originally I had just kept putting this pop off because of the amounts of cilantro in it. I love cilantro, but the Mouth Grenade really made me think twice about this pop.

The pop was surprisingly one of the best I've had and I ate it faster than I've ever eaten one of those pops (I eat them painfully slow). 

I don't really know how to say goodbye to Pete, Mary, Sina, the Hyppo, this blog, or St. Augustine. So I just won't.

I'll leave it open ended, I may post more, I may not. But I will, for sure, go back to St. Augustine, go back to my secret life as explorer, venturer, and observer. I will also try to take what I learned and always remember my month away.

I love everyone always,

Sarah

I'm Living

All I can think right now is "tomorrow is my last day" over and over again. It's hindering my ability to write about today. I'll do my best.

I got up, did a few things around the house, and then went out.

I ate very quickly at Alcapoco (two chicken tacos). There was a hair in my salsa. Enough said about that.

I went to The Hyppo afterwards, and like it always does, the store brought in magical people.

I met a woman who nannys for three kids. I felt like I was in the world of Sigur Ros. Their music whirling in my ears as I watched these kids, so freed from any social norms or inhibitions, just be alive. That's all they were, pure alive. All three red headed freckled and all four just so alive. I wanted to laugh and jump and frolic with them. I snapped a few picture of them.

I quickly realized I had seen these kids before and remember the two boys saying  "Sarah!" because she, the littlest, was drinking all of the shared smoothie at the farmer's market. I distinctly remember these three, how enchanted they were then too.

I've started to realize that maybe this life and joy can be brought of everyone, and you just have to know how.

I've spent a lot of time with Mr. Sina lately, and I am so smitten with the fact that his energy can bring that out of people. Everyone he's introduced me to has this burning fire in their eyes, in their hearts, and in their hands that makes them go and do things I never imagined possible.  If I take one thing from this trip, I want it to be that ability to ignite any kind of passion in people.

I had a Mango Habanero popsicle as well as I went back for another Coconut. I love the Coconut.

I was able to taste the fullness of Mango even behind the intense heat.

I also went to the fort.

Note that I'm afraid of heights, and this picture was a challenge for me.

You can just see the history. 

Today I was stricken with the sheer terror that I am leaving Friday. I miss my family so much, but it's been really hard for me to face the fact that I'm leaving St. Augustine. The lady from WOW (a clothing store where I hook my bike from time to time) gave me twenty percent off the entire store and gave me a long hug. She was so upset to see me go and leave what I have come to love so much. She told me of the story of when she left Belgium to be with her mom here in St. Augustine. She urged me, "do what you will now, you are too young to be held back".

Sina came over for dinner as well as Mary's friend Laura. We had a nice evening and I walked Sina to the end of the short road like I always do.

I will come back to St. Augustine. For tomorrow I have to stop thinking "I'm leaving, I'm leaving" and start thinking, "I'm living, I'm living".

Love all,

Sarah

Day of Repeat

I broke a rule. I had the same thing twice.

I went to The Hyppo today and brought Sina, and myself, a sandwich I'd already had, and ate a popsicle I'd already had.

Chocolate Coconut is my weakness, I guess. As well as goat cheese, red bell pepper pesto and chicken breast. Not all together though. That'd be strange.

I took a few pictures and pondered why I love St. Augustine so much.

Lazy Tuesday afternoons is one reason. Even the bikes are lazy these days in Florida.

Some Floridians hang their laundry, another reason I love Florida.

And then there is this feeling. Where I am completely free. 

I've been freed this month from bills, my job, school work and any responsibility I had previously. I've been sent here and able to only work on myself, my independence. 

It's been an absolute blast. An opportunity that will never come around again.  

Tonight was my "Last Supper" as Mary called it. We went to Bistro de Leon, a cute little French restaurant where the menu changes a lot. I listened to the waitress, a woman Mary must know, tell stories about the chef and how he's protective of his staff. How only what matters is the food. I got sucked in to her stories. She was a good story teller.

I had a pepper corn steak that was too peppery but the chocolate lava cake was just to die for. There was a certain pudding texture to it that made me remember when Tracey made me pudding so I'd stop crying as a child. I told Pete and Mary this story. I think they're finally getting used to my weird, unrelated, story telling. I walked through the lobby of the Casa Monica and pretended I was some rich, swanky lady from the past. It was fun.

Love all,

Sarah

Mom, Nina, Maddie and St. Pete

Yes, it has been a while since I've blogged. I've eaten many many popsicles since the last time I've blogged. I've only missed three days since I first started and have made up for two of them by eating two in one day twice. My favorite of the ones I've had lately would be Strawberry Horchada. Horchada is a Mexican drink made of rice milk, cinnamon, and other things (duh) to make a milky sweet drink that tastes like, as Sina describes it, Cinnamon Toast Crunch milk. This one had strawberry, and while I do not like Horchada (the drink) I did love this popsicle. It was considerably more creamy than the others, even the Orange Cream. I felt like the Orange Cream should have more cream in it, and be more like a Dreamsicle.

Kim (one of the employees) has listened to my idea and we've been thinking up a new flavor (and maybe they'd name it after me). I thought they should do a Hazelnut Chocolate Espresso pop in honor of me (and Poppy's I guess). She was willing to listen but didn't know if she could find the hazelnuts. She suggested pistachio because that's what they had, but I insisted it just wouldn't be the same. But who knows, it might be better?

I've eaten at many places lately, and have frequented the Casa Maya a few times to take Mom and Nina and Maddie.

Maddie and I had an absolute blast in St. Pete. Old memories resurfaced as well as new ones formed. We got to hang out with Pete's old college friend and his four kids. The youngest, Blake, took to me immediately, and the oldest girl was as sweet as can be. Seeing these kids reminds me that I absolutely love kids, and have made the right choice in wanting to become a teacher. Cooking and photography and traveling can be put on hold while I go through college.

Seeing Maddie makes me realize how hard it would be to live here without my friends. I miss all of them back home so much, and my family. I haven't seen my dad since the day I left, and I miss him a whole lot. Esme is probably sad I've been gone as well, or maybe she's forgotten me, she does have a two second memory.

I've met a few people here in St. Augustine and hung out with Sina a lot. I people watch at The Hyppo still because I guess I'm just addicted to the environment they've provided me.

Right now I am sitting in Sina's bed room/living room listening to him play the drums with Marco (I think his real name is Mark, we call him Marco.. or maybe they've tricked me into it.. who knows?) by his side playing the guitar. I love listening from where I"m sitting. The ever changing tune as they fiddle around creates some kind of comfort, like maybe I used to listen to my brothers play when I was little? I can't remember but it does bring up some kind of old memories, not sure which though.

Today I listened to Brand New in The Hyppo with Sina. That brought some good memories up. Like seeing them play with Joey (and maybe Sara? Can't remember). I miss my brothers, sisters, and nephews so much. I love my family and can't wait to squeeze everyone tight when I see them.

Staying here in St. Augustine has made me realize something. I've realized I can be independent, I can take care of myself, and most of all, the place you love is always based off of the people you meet, and I absolutely love everyone I've met here. I won't be sad to leave yet, because I have three days still. Mary and I talk about when I'm going to leave, she says she's going to lose it. I bet she will, and I probably will too. I love Mary and Pete. They have really made the best environment for me. Free boundaries, I like to call it.

I had a little mishap where some boys on bikes were trying to intimidate me, and succeeded . I thought they were going to attack me and rode and rode my bike, both Mary and Sina laughed when I told them. I thought that was mean of them, but I did over react probably. They could have overtaken me if they tried though, I am sure.

Love you all, I will blog tomorrow, I promise.

Sarah

A Long Title

So Saturday Mom and Nina came in. I've been busy and sleepy and I don't blog daily like I should. Mary and Sina think I apologize too much, so I won't say sorry.. Sorry.

Here's the popsicle rundown.

Cucumber Lemon Mint on Thursday, as well as, Mexican Hot Chocolate.

Cucumber Lemon Mint was so refreshing (which is what you'd hear just about EVERYONE say if you ask them about it) and the cucumber had a strong flavor. The mint came in after the initial flavor of cucumber. The lemon was not strong at all, and in fact, if lemon wasn't in the title I would probably not have detected it.  It added something to it though. The Mexican Hot Chocolate had a VERY hot after taste that chokes you. 

Friday I had a Prickly Peach. I loved it, absolutely one of my favorites. It has a sandy texture like a pear but has a very sweet taste unlike a pear. The peach was not too strong, and could almost barely taste it. Prickly Pear or Cactus Pear as it's sometimes called is very sweet, and very pink, as you can see. This pop is not artificially colored.

Mary and Pete went to the Keith Urban concert Friday. I ran to get Sina dinner in the rain, which was awesome. It hasn't rained in so long here, and it was like the water was resurrecting the town and rehydrating all of the locals. Very energizing.  I was soaked. Stringy hair to squishy soles. 

I got dizzy in The Hyppo and had to sit down on the floor, I think I may have been allergic to Prickly Pear or maybe I was dehydrated. 

Saturday we picked up Mom and Nina.  Lori and Cathy also came over and Mary and Mom's high school group was reunited. The girls were silly and had a fun time. We walked to The Hyppo and ate a few popsicles. I had Datil  Strawberry and I forgot to take a picture. 

Mom had Avocado Cream, but it wasn't fresh and so I think she didn't enjoy it as much as I did. 

We had a shrimp boil for dinner.

It's blurry because we ate at practically midnight, and Mary hates overhead lights. ;)

Today I had a Blackberry Cream popsicle. It was so yummy, but sadly, it melted too fast, and I had to leave it behind, the first popsicle I did not finish.

It wasn't a very blackberry flavor, more creamy sweet.

Tonight we're having steaks and then tomorrow we'll do some tourist-y things and make dinner. We invited Sina, and I'm excited. I hope he remembers. ;)

Have a good day. I hope it's as busy as mine is. I'm trying to enjoy every bit of here, I feel like I'm going to be leaving so soon, and I'm already starting to get sad. I'll push it away until the last day though.

Just enjoy.

Sarah